1. |
watchmaker
04:16
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we’re meeting outside
of a thai restaurant
in three weeks lauren warns you not to try
it’s like they say
we’re all dying every day
and when we notice it we feel more alive
i’m terrified
of the lives leading me
all the things they always say i must be
my alchemy
is turning from led to me
but i still break down under enough heat
you can turn away all you like
but you’ve set this fire inside me
and i have nowhere i can hide
from it
but there’s no crime in being alive
to breathe in and out is to respire and
to know me and to love me is what you do
you’re sending me away
on a day that’s not a day
there’ll be no anniversary of the end
i am replaced
same old body different face
and a heart i cannot see to call friend
it’s terrifying
the nothing i find
throwing everything out looking for you
with no façade
there is nothing left but god
and god wishes that they were still your girl
you can turn away all you like
‘cause i’ve let you set this fire inside me
and i have nowhere i can hide
from that
but baby there’s no crime in being alive
to be conceived is always to expire and
to love me and destroy me is what you do
we’re meeting outside
of a thai restaurant
you are smiling up at me when i die
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2. |
always will be
05:26
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please don’t go
i’m not finished becoming what i will
the light
the light is taking me to pieces
and you’re still winding ‘round my heart
in my head
we had a certain
well what would you say
maybe a je ne sais quoi
mais vous n’aimez pas français et
like any promise
i was something you could break
but you can’t break me forever
‘cause you always never stay
i’m of a mind that mercy relieves
but i don’t know what mercy looks like
when it comes to you and me
i’m denied rhymes
every line’s incomplete
in a world where there is no you
only me
only me
please don’t go
i’m not finished becoming what i will
the light
the light is taking me to pieces
and you’re still winding ‘round my heart
in my head
when was the moment
that you knew that we would break
was it when i tried to leave you
‘cause i knew you’d never stay
was it when i was careless on your dime
the millionth time
was it when i never gave you enough
while you were mine
i had a mind for mercy to leave
when it was clear that i was mostly hurting you
by being me
but i tried ‘cause you asked it of me
i was ready for anything
but for you
leaving
please don’t go
i’m not finished becoming what i will
the light
the light is taking me to pieces
and you’re still winding ‘round my heart
in my head
like anybody i am always who you met
just your nobody who loves you
and wants for you what is best
so
if leaving you alone is what you need from me
i’ll stay very far away
and sing
to me
please don’t go
i’m not finished becoming what i will
the light
the light is taking me to pieces
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3. |
anchors
03:11
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think of me as your anchor
to where you’ve never been
you tell us that we’re all monsters
you say that we are men
so go on steal my little pictures
bump my notoriety up
i’m still only what i am
love calls to love
i can see your anger
with what you say i am
is the moral of your story
that we shouldn’t be friends
so go on steal the whole election
write me in the ground if you must
i will be there when you find it
love calls to love
i know you’re lost
i know you’re scared
stay where you are
i’ll be right there
i know every road here
from everywhere
that’s why i’m your girl
that’s why you don’t care
thinking me a danger
for being what i am
is a tragic misconception
that gets your girls dead
so go on make of me a weapon
a gaudy thing that we cannot trust
i forgive you as you say it
love calls to love
i know you’re lost
i know you’re scared
stay where you are
i’ll be right there
there are no roads here
from anywhere
that’s why i’m your girl
that’s why you don’t care
consider me your anchor
to where we’ve always been
i am no one and you’ll find me
right here where i am
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4. |
everything is normal
04:06
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at eight o’ clock in the evening
i had started dreaming
playing bejeweled
i thought that i should get
cleaned up for bed
by four a.m. i was screaming
crying out my demons
that all looked like you
and every one of them
shaking their head
i’m coming back from a down day
but the down day was a week and a half
it got so i didn’t wanna come back
but anchors weigh like your porch light
that i used to leave on
‘cause i’d forget
i miss being yours
like i miss that
so everything is normal
like when your dad is kissing you
saying “i know what girls like you like from me”
everything is normal
like when your mirror isn’t you
but just some guy you been pretending to be
i talked myself into believing
you would have a reason
for us to be through
that surely you would help
me understand
that nobody would just be leaving
there’d be some agreement
about what we’d do
if it wasn’t gonna be us
‘til the end
i’m coming back from a down day
but the down day was a year and a half
ago and i still feel it like it’s right now
‘cause i been stuck inside your moonlight
crying ‘bout your room like
“why aren’t we there?”
i miss being yours
like i miss that
so everything is normal
like when your home gets torn in two
but time keeps passing like you don’t need a thing
everything is normal
like when your kids aren’t missing you
‘cause they’ve been told you’re something broken and mean
so everything is normal
like when your dad is kissing you
saying “i know what girls like you like from me”
everything is normal
like when your kids aren’t missing you
‘cause they’ve been told you’re something broken and mean
broken and mean
mean
broken and mean
broken and mean
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5. |
queen anne
04:05
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queen anne’s head is missing
but i still remember kissing
her mouth
areolae glistening
as i made my way further
to the south
crimes
may have been committed
but the judge was high
and the jury’s out
all your friends are listening
and i don’t know what to say
to them now
i can’t stop walking kinnear in my mind
through all the history she left behind
i know it’s never the time
but we think that it is
and i thought it was mine
i can’t stop walking kinnear in my mind
queen anne’s heart is bursting
and there isn’t any room
at the inn
no
not for girls like me
too poor to show
without an invitation
she
moved just down the street
she’s got a bigger kitchen
it’s really nice
but i had to GTFO
when she said
“take the futon for the night”
alright
i can’t stop holding her hand in my head
wishing she’d held a little longer instead
of giving up on these hills
alive with sounds of music
but buried in bills
i can’t stop holding your hand in my head
my head
my head
i know i wasn’t royalty
but i still fit in
and i still was me
my mistake was believing that could change
i know i was the nobody
in your “nobody does that”
nobody’s me
my mistake was believing that could change
it could change
it could change
it could
fast smash my capacity to consent
but i still fit in
and i still was me
but being bullied out of saying “no” isn’t “yes”
with your “nobody does that”
nobody’s me
not giving up on these hills
alive with sounds of music
but buried in bills
i can’t stop holding her hand in my head
my head
my head
queen anne’s head is missing
but i still remember kissing
her mouth
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6. |
resection
04:50
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what street is this
it crosses wilshire and the 101
no wait that isn’t it
it hits the 10 west of koreatown
it makes a little T
there’s west there’s east
there’s you and there is
me
i walked along it south
or did i float a foot above the ground
i don’t know how i got here
i can’t even remember where i’ve been
all that i can say for sure is
whoever said “of mice and men”
hold on
what time is it
where was i supposed to be ten years ago?
unhappy accidents
that trap was set and i am in it now
another little me
another opportunity to
throw away
that which you love me for
is killing me each day
a little more
i don’t know how i got here
i can’t even remember where i’ve been
all that can be safely said is
the best-laid plans
of mice and men
will often go
awry
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7. |
never die
05:25
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scientists have discovered
that there’s a black hole in my chest
light and heat can’t escape it
they get pulled in like the rest
my bright hopes
and my burning desires
are subsumed in this long-dead star’s mass
my heart spaghettified
by such gravity
is pulled until there’s nothing left
and i
let my heart go
i let my heart go
i let my my my heart go
i let it go
therapists have uncovered
the ravening pit in my brain
all its teeth pointed inward
lining the path of escape
my best ideas are covered in gore
from the holes
that those teeth helped create
too disturbing to be
shared aloud
so i keep them inside and i shake
while i
let my mind go
i let my mind go
i let my my my mind go
i let it go
i had finally recovered
insight that i had forgot
that each soul lives forever
whether it wants to or not
i was not born
so it can’t be said
there will ever be an end to my life
i find nothing more terrifying
than the idea
that i’ll never die
i let my soul go
i let my soul go
i let my my my soul go
i let it go
scientists have discovered
that there’s a black hole in my chest
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8. |
#girlslikeus
03:22
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so here alone
where my breathing lacks confidence
and though i know
i shouldn’t try to reflect in the dark
shiny and chrome
i lived i died and i lived again
but some people don’t
have a way they can understand that
i can’t breathe forever
and holding breath doesn’t buy you time
but girls like us know better
we don’t matter until we die
i understand
you’re afraid for your daughter
well
my mom and dad
i like to think that they’re scared for theirs too
i ain’t even mad
when we’re afraid we can do some strange things
but isn’t it sad
that what you’re afraid of is nothing like me
i can’t breathe unfettered
if i’m me only in my head
but girls like us know better
no one loves us until we’re dead
i can’t breathe forever
and holding breath doesn’t buy you time
but girls like us know better
we don’t matter until we die
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9. |
i call my dad
03:40
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i’ve been me
for a few years now
at least i think
what i remember
what’s always been so
in my body
is
this pain in my heart
this pain in my head
this pain in the back of my mouth that
i call my dad
this pain in my legs
this pain in my back
this hand closing down on my throat that
i call my dad
is why i can sing
like you demanded
songs of you and me
but kimberly
what are you asking
i write in agony
with
this pain in my heart
this pain in my head
this pain in the back of my mouth that
i call my dad
this pain in my legs
this pain in my back
this hand closing down on my throat that
i call my dad
who taught me birds and bees
and antifreeze and gasoline
and shoving things where they shouldn’t go
tell me of what i inevitably
have to be
then punish me for not being so
but i have never been a boy
and i have never been a man
i have only been destroying myself
by your command
so you can keep your gaslights gaslighting
your movie screens
and block out
what you already know
this pain in my heart
this pain in my head
this pain in the back of my mouth that
i call my dad
this pain in my legs
this pain in my back
this hand closing down on my throat that
i call my dad
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seranine Seattle, Washington
seattle autistic intersex transgender woman of color.
insights on my whole life at seranine.com.
support my work at patreon.com/seranine.
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